Alrighty then, this will be our first official story time!
It's about spiders
Now when it comes to spiders, i believe there are three types of reactions:
1) Freak the fuck out... someone sees a spider and goes into berserk termanator mode/ super pansy get the fuck out of the room mode.
2) Then there are the people who love spiders and study them... weirdos
3) then there's people like me... You know just sitting on the couch watching Tosh.0 eating a bag of Doritos minding my own business when a i notice a spider on the floor. Its not bugging me I'm not bothering it, we both go on our separate ways.
Anyways that's how i feel about spiders
now to the story!
Alright yesterday, upon arriving home my mother requested my help in carrying 60 pound bags of salt past the gate to the backyard where we store them. Not a bad request and i more than happily obliged. Bear with me on this: so the path from the pile o' salt bags on my drive way to the storage unit is down the steps, through a fence gate, down and around a corner under the deck above, then a quick left. Anyways I took this trip 5 times, not being bothered at all, jamming out to some music, etc. on the fifth trip ears full of headphones, arm full of salt i walk through a giant spider web.
SERIOUSLY, the web wasn't there the first 5 times i walked through the and i didnt take any different paths, i didn't limbo my way under anything, there were no trip wires that required dodging, so did this fucking spider spin this web in the 30 seconds i was gone... this spider was probably laughing its ass of looking something like this:
So, back to the story, I'm gallanting my way by then, BAM spider web all up in my grill and i half-heartily wipe the strands away. I set the bag i was carrying down in the storage thingy and wiped the rest of web.
30 fucking seconds later, This MUTHERFUCKING GIANT ASS SPIDER, strolls out of my hair line down my face and places a leg IN MY FUCKING MOUTH, MY MOUTH ARE YOU SERIOUS!.
now the spider looked like this:
CREEPY AS FUCK
anyways i falcon punch/paladin infinity combo the shit outta this motherfucker off my face and after a series of swift punches and freaky dance moves this creep ass lands in between my big toe and next toe - I was wearing flippity flops.
say hi to my foot: the red zone is where said spider landed
anyways, after it landed there i went into a series of flash dance moves and stomped the yard. What i failed to mention, was that this here spider was a mother spider... And decided to hatch the egg it was carrying on its back right there between my toes.
now my foot looked something like this:
RIGHT FREAK MODE ACTIVATE.
Anyways after repeatedly kicking my self for about 5 minutes i think i got all of the spiders off... but i had that feeling all day that i had spiders all over my body. This feeling along with the actual terrorness of the situation explained above has led to a red hot, passion of a 1000 burning sun, hatred for all spiders. oh the nightmares....
NOW when i see a spider I'm going to be like:
Well i hope you enjoyed story time, i know i didnt